Sunday, October 4, 2009


Well, if that was the weekend, then we had it. It started off on Thursday night when Hubby and I drove our oldest boys to their Mother in Rustenburg to visit with her until Sunday. On Friday my youngest spent the day with my Brother and his FiancĂ©. I fetched him after work (we got off early – nice surprise) and then hubby and I decided we’d take Donny to dinner and a movie seeing as it was just the three of us. We bought tickets for UP and went to Spur for supper. After supper we roamed the mall a little and hubby and Donny played some games in the arcade and then we headed to the movie theater. We were halfway through the movie when my phone rang. (Thank God I had it with me as hubby had decided to leave his phone at home). It was Mark, our oldest. Hubby answered and went out of the theatre to call him back. “Something is wrong” he said before doing so. He came back inside just a few moments later and said we had to go. He will have to take Donny and me home because he has to go immediately and fetch the two boys. Their mother has been drinking and she has turned violent and verbally abusive. (She is an alcoholic and has been sober for almost a year, after she fell off the wagon after ± three years sobriety).

Our boys have never seen her like this. They know she has a problem and they knew she was drinking again about a year ago (if it was even that long ago) but they didn’t visit with her except if she was in rehab. I did all I could to help her get into a rehab last time, but it was no good. Anyway, we didn’t know or even suspect that she was drinking again this time, we would never have let them go if we did and they would not have wanted to go because they told her last time if she is hitting the bottle they won’t visit her. Maybe that’s why we didn’t know.

So, on Friday she was drinking and she got into a fight with her friend that she lives with, physically and even smashed a coffee mug on her back. She was verbally abusive about me, my hubby and everybody she could think of. She even told Mark he looked ugly. It totally freaked Mark (our oldest) out. He has always seen his mother as someone who can do no wrong. And he has adored her always – it was his idea to go and visit, he initiated the visit. He is very disappointed and disgusted with her.

Her behaviour, language, rage and abuse was truly shocking for them both.

I was so thankful and relieved when they came home after midnight on Friday night. I just pray that they are able to forgive her and not hold on to their hurt and anger. She is the way she is because of all that anger she carries in her heart – and I don’t want that to happen to them. She is and will always be their mother and they will need to speak to her again at some point. She has done a lot of damage and I don’t know how she is going to undo it. I can encourage them to speak to her when and if she calls – but it is ultimately up to them.

Now Mark understands, at least a little better, why he lives with his father and me and also why his father divorced her. I do believe they thought he was exaggerating when he told them how she could be.

I am just so very sorry they had to see the harsh truth for themselves, alone like that. I have always been afraid that something like this would happen. But I spose you can't protect anybody from the truth forever...


angel said...

Oh B... I'm so sorry the boys had to see her like that.
~big hugs~
Considering how long you have been together I'm surprised they didn't see it sooner.

Brigitte said...

Angel - Well up until recently she has been sober. And has behaved herself. I only hope that she manages to pull herself together again soon. I am so afraid she does the ultimate selfish act. I don't know how my boys will ever get over that.

lulu said...

Im really sorry that the boys had to see that, not to sound cruel but on one had maybe it is good that they know the truth? it might help them to understand everything better even though it is a harsh harsh way to learn it! Sorry Brig hope she does sober up again!! xxx

BecauseIcan said...

It is awful that they had to witness the ugliness of truth..

((Hugs)) to them.. makes my heart break to think of how they are feeling right now.

Just you being there for them makes the world of difference..

Terri said...

You can't protect kids from everything and especially something like this; they were bound to figure it out at some stage anyway. I, for one, think you're an incredible stepmother (and I know what a tough job that can be!).
It's a very sad situation but they're very lucky to have you and their Dad to give them love and stability in the face of their mother's instability. That counts for a LOT in the long run. Believe me.

Brigitte said...

Terri - Wow, thanks. You made me cry... Stepmommying is tough, but they are fabulous kids and I feel very blessed to have been allowed the honour of being their stepmom.

Dawn said...

This is long overdue and I am sorry I haven't visited sooner. I have walked this exact route with my step children. It's a very hard road. Ultimately, children grow up and ask their own questions. Until then, all you can do is give them a stable and loving alternative environment. I have always told my step children that their mother's substance abuse was something that she did and not who she is. I have always reminded them that she will always be their mother and that in the chaos of the bad choices she made, there is always love in her heart for them. I always reminded them that her lifestyle and choices, again - were not a reflection of them in any way or on any level, and all about herself. Step parenting is one of the most challening parenting roles, and this kind of outside influence only makes it harder. These children, if not already, will know what value you have created in their life, and you are all lucky to have each other. From the age where I felt they were old enough to make their own choices, I left their level of contact with their mother entirely up to them. Given that we are in different coutries, it made it both easier and harder at the same time. She has seen them once in ten years - this is a hefty price to pay for both the mom and the children. It took me years to realize that her relationship with her children was/is her responsibility and from the time I lifted that burden off my own shoulders, my relationship with them improved.
I wish you all happiness and strength. Love You. xxx

Brigitte said...

Dawn - Thank you SO much. I am actually going to take these things and write them down. And when the time is right I will remind them of these things too. The situation still isn't "fixed" and I am afraid she really has done some major damage. But unfortunately I cannot put right what she has done.

And I will tell them that a woman I love dearly who is a wise wonderful woman taught me these wonderful, freeing truths.

Love you too.