Alrighty then folks, I been tagged by Angel. This is the “8 is Enough Meme” – I will try to do it justice.
Here goes…
8 things I’m looking forward to
1. Going home
2. The Bulls V Chiefs Super 14 Final on Sat
3. My friends visiting on Sat night.
4. The weekend
5. Sleeping late on Sat (prolly wont happen)
6. Church
7. Wednesday night’s prayer meeting
8. Tonight’s visit from Sharlene
8 things I did yesterday
1. Drove to work
2. Checked out face book
3. Worked
4. Forgot my drama club planning in the office
5. Had a Drama club meeting
6. Decided on the music for our first sketch
7. Went to the pharmacy
8. Took Devon home after Drama Club
8 things I wish I could do
1. Be a Stay at home mom
2. Speak a third language
3. Have my own business
4. Home school
5. Stop cursing
6. Read my Bible more
7. Pray more
8. Be more patient
8 shows I watch on TV- this is going to be a difficult one…
1. Las Vegas
2. Survivor China
3. Invasion
4. Ummmmm
5. Ja,
6. I reckon
7. that’s
8. all…
8 people I’m tagging
1. I can’t
2. tag 8
3. people
4. I don’t
5. have that
6. many
7. to tag
8.yet….
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
NOT ALL BAD
Just thought I would let you all know that these things I am putting up here are mostly things (feeling) I have had on my mind (heart) for quite some time – and just never had anywhere to vent them. I suddenly realised the other day that it may look to anyone reading this blog that I am SO terribly unhappy and that everyday is a fight and a battle…
But it’s not! Actually we are more happy than we are not. And my (step)sons are in fact not unpleasant mean spirited monsters either. I love them both dearly and see them as my children, and so I guess that’s why I take it so hard when things do go a bit "blegh" between us. I take it more personally than I do with my own son. It’s hard to explain, but I know a step parent will understand.
Mark, as I’ve mentioned, is now 16 and I have to admit he is a very normal teenager and is a really well behaved child. He’s not rebellious and his school work and points are always good and he has focus and drive. He is a very handsome young man and both of his little brothers look up to him immensely!
So, these things I am putting up here are mostly things I have been carrying around for quite some time. And after finally taking Angels advice to start a blog I have somewhere to put it all.
So no, things are not ALL bad, all the time.
I suppose we are actually a very normal family.
But it’s not! Actually we are more happy than we are not. And my (step)sons are in fact not unpleasant mean spirited monsters either. I love them both dearly and see them as my children, and so I guess that’s why I take it so hard when things do go a bit "blegh" between us. I take it more personally than I do with my own son. It’s hard to explain, but I know a step parent will understand.
Mark, as I’ve mentioned, is now 16 and I have to admit he is a very normal teenager and is a really well behaved child. He’s not rebellious and his school work and points are always good and he has focus and drive. He is a very handsome young man and both of his little brothers look up to him immensely!
So, these things I am putting up here are mostly things I have been carrying around for quite some time. And after finally taking Angels advice to start a blog I have somewhere to put it all.
So no, things are not ALL bad, all the time.
I suppose we are actually a very normal family.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
GRRRRRR
I need to learn– again – not to sweat the small things. This is SO hard though because so often it seems as if the “small” things are done just to annoy me.
Is that silly?
Does anybody else feel like that?
I don’t have an example to give you that will make sense. It will sound petty and childish. But it’s just the same little things that happen over and over again, and I ask over and over again for it not to happen or for a bit of thought and consideration but I am faced daily with a “couldn’t care less” attitude. I am ignored and to me it’s disrespectful and hurtful. And it makes me angry – which I don’t want.
I know (hope) he will grow up one day and behave differently.
I know (hope) he will stop being so self-centered and begin to show a teeny bit of respect.
I know (hope) he will grow up and try to treat me like a person and not a thing.
I try to always be pleasant and loving. I know he is the child and I am the adult and therefore I should be the example but it just feels to me at times like I am pouring all my time and effort and energy into an empty cause. And so I am not always the “nicest” person either. I don’t deny it.
I am just tired of being treated “nice” when he wants something. It’s manipulative and I sometimes think I should say “no” just to be spiteful, but where will that get me? Sometimes I find myself looking forward to the day he moves out. I know it may sound horrible – but there is such tension in the house when he is there and we all seem to get along better when he’s not there.
Could it be just me?
I know, I made my bed and I gotta lie in it – but I don’t have to like it all the time do I?
Is that silly?
Does anybody else feel like that?
I don’t have an example to give you that will make sense. It will sound petty and childish. But it’s just the same little things that happen over and over again, and I ask over and over again for it not to happen or for a bit of thought and consideration but I am faced daily with a “couldn’t care less” attitude. I am ignored and to me it’s disrespectful and hurtful. And it makes me angry – which I don’t want.
I know (hope) he will grow up one day and behave differently.
I know (hope) he will stop being so self-centered and begin to show a teeny bit of respect.
I know (hope) he will grow up and try to treat me like a person and not a thing.
I try to always be pleasant and loving. I know he is the child and I am the adult and therefore I should be the example but it just feels to me at times like I am pouring all my time and effort and energy into an empty cause. And so I am not always the “nicest” person either. I don’t deny it.
I am just tired of being treated “nice” when he wants something. It’s manipulative and I sometimes think I should say “no” just to be spiteful, but where will that get me? Sometimes I find myself looking forward to the day he moves out. I know it may sound horrible – but there is such tension in the house when he is there and we all seem to get along better when he’s not there.
Could it be just me?
I know, I made my bed and I gotta lie in it – but I don’t have to like it all the time do I?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
OVERCOMPENSATING
Before I had Donovan I smoked. When I fell pregnant with him I stopped. One time (no, not at band camp…) we had gone away for a fishing weekend together. Happy, (that’s my hubby) myself and all three boys, along with some friends of ours. It was lovely, the kids were playing and enjoying the pine forest and getting fantastically dirty everyday and we – the parents – were enjoying good company and relaxing at the waters edge.
At one point I developed a serious craving for a cigarette. So I decided seeing as we were relaxing and on a little getaway that I would have one. I said as much and asked my friend who was with me for one of hers. Mark was standing nearby and heard this and disappeared suddenly and I soon developed a very unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I went to look for him and found him in our bungalow sitting up on the top bunk huddled in a corner. Concerned I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn’t say. I should have left it at that and let him sulk but I didn’t. It finally came out that he was angry at me for having a cigarette because I had stopped and he didn’t like it if I smoked. Shocked by his reaction to this one little ciggy I panicked. I told him I was so sorry and I promised him I would never do it again and so on and so on…
What I didn’t realize back then was that I had handed him the power. I should have said to him that he didn’t have to worry about me smoking, I was only having one or two and that I could do what I wanted because I am an adult and I do not need to explain myself to a 6 year old. But instead I overcompensated to try to keep things good between him and I. And gave him power over me. And he used it over and over again to manipulate me and his father.
I didn’t realize it then, only many years later when looking back on that situation. It wasn’t his fault though, it was mine. He was six and didn’t know better – but I should have. If there is one moment in my life I wish I could go and get a “do–over” on it is that moment.
I know it was a defining moment in our relationship.
At one point I developed a serious craving for a cigarette. So I decided seeing as we were relaxing and on a little getaway that I would have one. I said as much and asked my friend who was with me for one of hers. Mark was standing nearby and heard this and disappeared suddenly and I soon developed a very unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I went to look for him and found him in our bungalow sitting up on the top bunk huddled in a corner. Concerned I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn’t say. I should have left it at that and let him sulk but I didn’t. It finally came out that he was angry at me for having a cigarette because I had stopped and he didn’t like it if I smoked. Shocked by his reaction to this one little ciggy I panicked. I told him I was so sorry and I promised him I would never do it again and so on and so on…
What I didn’t realize back then was that I had handed him the power. I should have said to him that he didn’t have to worry about me smoking, I was only having one or two and that I could do what I wanted because I am an adult and I do not need to explain myself to a 6 year old. But instead I overcompensated to try to keep things good between him and I. And gave him power over me. And he used it over and over again to manipulate me and his father.
I didn’t realize it then, only many years later when looking back on that situation. It wasn’t his fault though, it was mine. He was six and didn’t know better – but I should have. If there is one moment in my life I wish I could go and get a “do–over” on it is that moment.
I know it was a defining moment in our relationship.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
FAVOURITISM
One of the challenges I have faced in being a stepmom is to try and not allow favouritism to creep into my heart and my relationships with the children – especially when I had my own child. Sadly though I don’t think I have succeeded completely with this.
It’s hard to explain. I don’t love my own son “more” than I love the other two boys. I love them all three very VERY much and I truly do consider them to be my children. I would move heaven and earth for them and if the whole world turns against them I will still be there for them. I will never turn them away or shun them – no matter what. I love each boy differently to the other one.
I guess where some people (including myself) would see a “problem” would be in our relationships. (Bear in mind he was already 5 when I married his father) My oldest (step)son has slowly and progressively shut me out. He barely speaks to me and very often will just ignore me if I talk to him. He avoids looking at me and only really talks to me when he wants or needs something. And as a result I have ended up talking less to him too. I have been trying for years to get through the wall he has put up between him and I but he just will not let me in. And I can only hope and pray that one day when he “grows up” – he is 16 already – he will see that I do love him, but it would be so much easier to like him if he would not be so closed to any kind of attempt I make to reach out to him. And so as a result our relationship is less than wonderful. It is strained at times and rather volatile at other times. I still treat him pleasantly, I greet him and when he does look at me I smile at him – it’s never returned. I drive him to soccer and to his friends if he needs me to. I try at times t make conversation with him – usually not successfully, but I will keep trying. That’s why when I read my dear friend Dawn's post titled Fixed I felt like there may very well be hope for him and I one day. I know that the way I behaved when he was very small may have something to do with this, I have told him in words and in a letter that I am so sorry for that and I have decided to win him over with love. Love will prevail here in the end. And forgiveness. I see the wonderful qualities in this young man. He is a wonderful role model to his brothers when it comes to his school work and sport and how he is determined to do well so that he can get somewhere in life. How he studies for exams and does well in his soccer too. His brothers look up to him and want to be like him. And that’s great because he is not interested in alcohol or cigarettes or anything like that. He wants to keep fit and healthy, and both his younger brothers hang on every word and action that comes from Mark. They admire him and he is a good big brother. And I tell him this too.
What does this have to do with favouritism? Well, my relationship with my second oldest (step)son (who I have known since he was 5 months old and he was 18 months when I married his father) is so different. He is open to cuddles and hugs and jokes. He treats me with respect and love and we can chat freely with each other and have other deeper conversations too. My oldest has always said it is favouritism – he sees it that way, but Sean allows me in. He hasn’t put up a wall between us and I can still reach him. He is sweet and playful and funny. It’s hard to not get along better with him than I do with Mark, he is so open to it. I don’t see it as favouritism, I know in my heart it’s not that. I see it as resentment in Marks heart for me. Am I wrong? Sean lets me in.
You see, what I feel in my heart and what Mark believes I feel is very different. I love all three of my boys, but I love each one differently because they are such unique and different people.
I love Mark for his sense of humour, his dedication, his way with his younger brothers and just because I see him as my son. I love him, he has grown up into a very strong and determined young man. I will not stop believing in my heart that he and I will one day also come to a place where we can talk and share and be friends.
Sean I love for his naughtiness, his prankster nature, his easy going nature. I love how he is becoming a young man too. He is often misunderstood by his father and his youngest brother and being the middle child I try very hard not to “forget” about him. I love hoe he will talk to me when something is bugging him – even if it is after a bit of coaxing, he opens up. I love him for his charm and the way he loves just being a kid.
Yes I love my son differently to the way I love my step sons, but I don’t love them less or him more…
I have the same dreams and desires for them as I have for Donovan, I want to see them all grow up and be happy and settled and have prosperous lives and careers and marry women who will love them and make them happy and also in turn know what it is to have children of their own. I pray for their wives and their futures now already and I pray for them too.
I love them the same, but different…
If there are any other Step Parents out there reading this – I hope it makes sense…
It’s hard to explain. I don’t love my own son “more” than I love the other two boys. I love them all three very VERY much and I truly do consider them to be my children. I would move heaven and earth for them and if the whole world turns against them I will still be there for them. I will never turn them away or shun them – no matter what. I love each boy differently to the other one.
I guess where some people (including myself) would see a “problem” would be in our relationships. (Bear in mind he was already 5 when I married his father) My oldest (step)son has slowly and progressively shut me out. He barely speaks to me and very often will just ignore me if I talk to him. He avoids looking at me and only really talks to me when he wants or needs something. And as a result I have ended up talking less to him too. I have been trying for years to get through the wall he has put up between him and I but he just will not let me in. And I can only hope and pray that one day when he “grows up” – he is 16 already – he will see that I do love him, but it would be so much easier to like him if he would not be so closed to any kind of attempt I make to reach out to him. And so as a result our relationship is less than wonderful. It is strained at times and rather volatile at other times. I still treat him pleasantly, I greet him and when he does look at me I smile at him – it’s never returned. I drive him to soccer and to his friends if he needs me to. I try at times t make conversation with him – usually not successfully, but I will keep trying. That’s why when I read my dear friend Dawn's post titled Fixed I felt like there may very well be hope for him and I one day. I know that the way I behaved when he was very small may have something to do with this, I have told him in words and in a letter that I am so sorry for that and I have decided to win him over with love. Love will prevail here in the end. And forgiveness. I see the wonderful qualities in this young man. He is a wonderful role model to his brothers when it comes to his school work and sport and how he is determined to do well so that he can get somewhere in life. How he studies for exams and does well in his soccer too. His brothers look up to him and want to be like him. And that’s great because he is not interested in alcohol or cigarettes or anything like that. He wants to keep fit and healthy, and both his younger brothers hang on every word and action that comes from Mark. They admire him and he is a good big brother. And I tell him this too.
What does this have to do with favouritism? Well, my relationship with my second oldest (step)son (who I have known since he was 5 months old and he was 18 months when I married his father) is so different. He is open to cuddles and hugs and jokes. He treats me with respect and love and we can chat freely with each other and have other deeper conversations too. My oldest has always said it is favouritism – he sees it that way, but Sean allows me in. He hasn’t put up a wall between us and I can still reach him. He is sweet and playful and funny. It’s hard to not get along better with him than I do with Mark, he is so open to it. I don’t see it as favouritism, I know in my heart it’s not that. I see it as resentment in Marks heart for me. Am I wrong? Sean lets me in.
You see, what I feel in my heart and what Mark believes I feel is very different. I love all three of my boys, but I love each one differently because they are such unique and different people.
I love Mark for his sense of humour, his dedication, his way with his younger brothers and just because I see him as my son. I love him, he has grown up into a very strong and determined young man. I will not stop believing in my heart that he and I will one day also come to a place where we can talk and share and be friends.
Sean I love for his naughtiness, his prankster nature, his easy going nature. I love how he is becoming a young man too. He is often misunderstood by his father and his youngest brother and being the middle child I try very hard not to “forget” about him. I love hoe he will talk to me when something is bugging him – even if it is after a bit of coaxing, he opens up. I love him for his charm and the way he loves just being a kid.
Yes I love my son differently to the way I love my step sons, but I don’t love them less or him more…
I have the same dreams and desires for them as I have for Donovan, I want to see them all grow up and be happy and settled and have prosperous lives and careers and marry women who will love them and make them happy and also in turn know what it is to have children of their own. I pray for their wives and their futures now already and I pray for them too.
I love them the same, but different…
If there are any other Step Parents out there reading this – I hope it makes sense…
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
LEARNING CURVE
Once I had the revelation about the different bonds between parents and children and step children I began to realise so may other truths too.
One BIG one was that these two little boys who were now in my care full time were innocent and not responsible for the situation we were in. they never asked for the mommy and daddy to split up and divorce and they never asked for a stepmommy either – none of this was their doing or their fault and there was no reason to validate making them suffer or pay for any of it.
I decided from then on to make my relationship with their mommy a good one and to even make her my friend if possible. I decided that I didn’t want these two small children to be caught in the middle of two mothers who couldn’t or wouldn’t tolerate each other. This was no longer about “us” to me – but about the children and ensuring their happiness. And that meant taking my pride and my own desires and putting it aside. It meant having my husband ex-wife – the mother to my sons – in my home, to visit her children and spend time with them over weekends. It meant making sure the boys remembered her on her birthday and on mothers day and Christmas and Easter etc, etc. It meant sacrificing things I wanted to do with them and allowing her to do it with them instead*. It meant not always having them at home over Christmas Holidays at times.
It has not been easy and I am not trying to bang my own drum here or make myself look like a saint or a martyr – I am none of those believe me. But that small realization was the beginning of a long journey of learning and screwing up and learning and screwing up and learning. And it didn’t all just happen all magically – the way we see combined families in the movies being so happy and successful and living happily ever after – that’s a fairy tale. It involved a lot of tears, fights and reconciling and learning – slowly – to love unconditionally the way I loved my own son.
Eleven years down the line it is a lot easier – but I am still learning…
* that’s a whole other post for next time…
One BIG one was that these two little boys who were now in my care full time were innocent and not responsible for the situation we were in. they never asked for the mommy and daddy to split up and divorce and they never asked for a stepmommy either – none of this was their doing or their fault and there was no reason to validate making them suffer or pay for any of it.
I decided from then on to make my relationship with their mommy a good one and to even make her my friend if possible. I decided that I didn’t want these two small children to be caught in the middle of two mothers who couldn’t or wouldn’t tolerate each other. This was no longer about “us” to me – but about the children and ensuring their happiness. And that meant taking my pride and my own desires and putting it aside. It meant having my husband ex-wife – the mother to my sons – in my home, to visit her children and spend time with them over weekends. It meant making sure the boys remembered her on her birthday and on mothers day and Christmas and Easter etc, etc. It meant sacrificing things I wanted to do with them and allowing her to do it with them instead*. It meant not always having them at home over Christmas Holidays at times.
It has not been easy and I am not trying to bang my own drum here or make myself look like a saint or a martyr – I am none of those believe me. But that small realization was the beginning of a long journey of learning and screwing up and learning and screwing up and learning. And it didn’t all just happen all magically – the way we see combined families in the movies being so happy and successful and living happily ever after – that’s a fairy tale. It involved a lot of tears, fights and reconciling and learning – slowly – to love unconditionally the way I loved my own son.
Eleven years down the line it is a lot easier – but I am still learning…
* that’s a whole other post for next time…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
