Wednesday, May 6, 2009

LEARNING CURVE

Once I had the revelation about the different bonds between parents and children and step children I began to realise so may other truths too.
One BIG one was that these two little boys who were now in my care full time were innocent and not responsible for the situation we were in. they never asked for the mommy and daddy to split up and divorce and they never asked for a stepmommy either – none of this was their doing or their fault and there was no reason to validate making them suffer or pay for any of it.

I decided from then on to make my relationship with their mommy a good one and to even make her my friend if possible. I decided that I didn’t want these two small children to be caught in the middle of two mothers who couldn’t or wouldn’t tolerate each other. This was no longer about “us” to me – but about the children and ensuring their happiness. And that meant taking my pride and my own desires and putting it aside. It meant having my husband ex-wife – the mother to my sons – in my home, to visit her children and spend time with them over weekends. It meant making sure the boys remembered her on her birthday and on mothers day and Christmas and Easter etc, etc. It meant sacrificing things I wanted to do with them and allowing her to do it with them instead*. It meant not always having them at home over Christmas Holidays at times.

It has not been easy and I am not trying to bang my own drum here or make myself look like a saint or a martyr – I am none of those believe me. But that small realization was the beginning of a long journey of learning and screwing up and learning and screwing up and learning. And it didn’t all just happen all magically – the way we see combined families in the movies being so happy and successful and living happily ever after – that’s a fairy tale. It involved a lot of tears, fights and reconciling and learning – slowly – to love unconditionally the way I loved my own son.

Eleven years down the line it is a lot easier – but I am still learning…

* that’s a whole other post for next time…

1 comment:

angel said...

Well I know I would battle my backside off to do what you've done with the boy's mom.