To get straight into it, I went home on Friday after work after a very emotional day feeling more than a little apprehensive. I had decided I was going to speak to my oldest son and make my apologies for my behavior – even if he won’t.
I got home and he was – as usual – glued to his bloody cell phone. He doesn’t greet btw, ever. I said hello and he grunted. “This is going to be pleasant.” I thought to myself. I gave myself a few moments gathered my courage and walked into his room.
Let me paint a picture: He is sitting almost doubled over in his desk chair completely engrossed in whatever it is he’s doing on his cell phone. He won’t turn and look me in the eye he just kind of turns his head and sort of squints at me (When I begin to speak). He looked a bit like a hunch back gargoyle – was what I was thinking to myself.
I start of by telling him I am sorry for blowing my top at him last night and that I did indeed over react – but then again we both did. (He nods slightly). I tell him I am sorry for raising my hand to him too. I tell him that he must stop thinking that I hate him because he is SO very wrong about that. I tell him that I am actually proud of the young man he has become and of the way he is with his brothers. I am proud of the accomplishments he has made in his sport too and of how he hasn’t given in to peer pressure. I tell him (again) that for all the times I screwed up when he was a little boy (and I made some COLOSSAL screw ups as anew Stepmommy) I am so deeply sorry and that it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It is my burden to carry and I hope that he can find it in his heart one day to forgive me because I don’t want him to walk around with anger and unforgiveness in his heart for the rest of his life because that is just unhealthy for him. But that if he can’t forgive me that’s his burden to carry and not mine.
He didn’t say a word the entire time; he didn’t sit up or move much really. He just stayed hunched over squinting up at me from that position, he nodded every now and then and that’s all. Later my hubby phoned and asked what had happened and had I spoken to our oldest and I said I had. ‘Did he apologise?’ he asked. I said no, he never said a thing, but I told him I had. When he becomes a real man one day I hope he will be able to admit when he was wrong and say sorry – because that is harder to do than to get into a fight with somebody. It is something he is very stubborn and proud about and will have to learn to do one day – hopefully sooner than later.
My hubby did tell him that he is not to talk back to me or snap at me or anything like that under any circumstance. He is to have respect for me even if he doesn’t like or care for me. I am his wife and that will never change and he expects me to be respected and obeyed in his absence. That is happening now, and he actually talks to me, and not only when he wants something. I just can’t help wondering how long it will be before he starts to revert back.
One day he will become a man and he will grow up, and I look forward to that day. I will feel like he has made his greatest accomplishment on that day and I will celebrate it!
I will never stop being a mother to him – it’s all I’ve done for 11 years. I love him and I want to see him successful and happy. I will always be there for him when he is in need. And I have always told him that he will always be welcome in my house – if the whole world turns against him, I will always believe in him and support him. That will never change – and hopefully one day he will see that.