Friday, August 14, 2009

Am I a complete disaster??

Last night my step son and I had a HUGE rip roaring fight. I blew my top at him over a stupid small little issue, but it’s probably been brewing for a few weeks now and that’s why it all came out last night. I lost it so badly I even tried to hit him (not in his face) – but he’s bigger than me and I wasn’t successful at all. We both shouted and said some pretty nasty stuff. It was horrible.

He’s at a HORRIBLE age now and full of emotions and testosterone and he doesn’t know what to do with it (I told my hubby that sometimes I wish I was a man so I could understand him better.) – and he takes it out on me - the one who’s NOT his mother and he makes that VERY clear too. And every time I speak to him he bites my head off or mutters at me under his breath or something and it’s been building up in me till I finally exploded…
I then felt so sick from it afterwards that I spoke to my hubby who in turn spoke to our son and who in turn ended up in tears saying how much he hated me and living in our house and, and, and… {sob}
It basically went from bad to worse and I was sure my husband would hate me too after everything was over. I hardly slept all night and when I did sleep I had nightmares.

I left for work (I leave before anybody is up in the morning) this morning and felt miserable and later I got an e-mail from my hubby. I was expecting to hear from him and I was expecting to hear what a complete failure of a mother I am and how horrible I am to his children. Basically what I was (and still am) feeling about myself. But I ended up sitting in my office blubbing like a baby at his wonderful e-mail. I won't put it here it’s too personal to share – but he basically told me he understands and he loves me and I am good mother and wife and I must not take anything our son said to heart because he’s at that very difficult age (I keep trying to come up with a word to say how horrible it is – but there aren’t any to put to the sound that comes from my mouth). He blew me away with his letter and made me feel so safe in his love, and also left me with a huge sense of relief that he didn't want to send me packing.

I won’t leave it like this between my son and I though. I will try to speak to him this afternoon when I get home – if he’ll let me. If not then I’ll leave it. I won't force it - but I have to try.

I am sure there is not a parent alive who hasn’t felt like a complete walking disaster. Especially moms. Feeling completely unappreciated and misused. And feeling like you can't do anything right - ever! Walking around with a weight in your stomach that won’t let you eat or sleep or do anything. I mean I know that every mom (parent) feels this way at some point - yet you still feel like you are the only one to ever screw things up.

I only pray that one day he will see that I am also completely human and I make all the right mistakes(??) – some times HUGE ones. But that I never stopped loving him through it all. And I pray that he will forgive me and not carry heavy burdens of anger and bitterness forever in his heart.

And I hope that as a mom - I will start to get it right at !!SOME!! point. Cause I am tired of feeling like I am stumbling around in the dark without a friggin clue... {sigh} "sob"...


Dawn said...

Hello My Wonderful Step Mom Soulmate! Finally made it here. As always, you come out on top. You know I have been down this path and back again. It takes a special Mr and Mrs to come through the step-parenting process even stronger. You know you can do it and I have no doubt you will.
I acknowledge you for your bravery in sharing this blog. I never had the courage to, or perhaps the energy. I will be back soon, I promise. I even managed to breathe some life into my blog today. Love You Spooks. xxx

Brigitte said...

Hello Skattie, thanks so much for your encouraging words - whenever it comes from you it means SO much because YOU KNOW.
Glad to see you blogged again after so long!
Love you too!!

angel said...

Step parents have one of the hardest jobs on this planet!
I think you're doing an awesome job. For all his grumpiness- he's doing well academically and in sport, and he doesn't smoke and sneak out of the house- and thats MAJOR kudos to you!!

Brigitte said...

Thanks my sis - that means ALOT to me. A LOT!
Love you!